


i'll be stuck fixated on one star

by mumblecore



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Deal With It, Grief/Mourning, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Multi, Therapist Sokka (Avatar), and my grammar gets even worse at nighttime so, he hurts so good, no beta we die like lu ten, somewhat happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25962142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mumblecore/pseuds/mumblecore
Summary: Zuko knew that being in love with someone that can't love you back was painful, but he never knew not being able to love the other person back could hurt just as much if not more.OrFive times Zuko couldn't love Mai back and the one time he finally did.
Relationships: Mai/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), pre-Sokka/Zuko
Comments: 3
Kudos: 55





	i'll be stuck fixated on one star

**Author's Note:**

> T-rated for like one curse word and implied major character death.

Zuko has never seen those girls before. When he noticed them, he immediately thought of Yin and Yang – one of them had this cheerful and youthful aura while the other one was brooding all the time. He didn't think too much of it at first, but the longer he spent with them, the more he found himself attracted to one in particular, as far as an attraction for a little boy could go.

He didn't dare to think too much about it, since any little move on his part could make Azula suspicious. He didn't want that.

Mai, because that was her name, was the least talkative out of the three, but Zuko had a feeling that he could get to her with some time. That, or the other one would talk them to death. That was sort of why he came here in the first place, to make conversation with those two. He wanted to know more about them, about their childhood, anything.

And for a while, it went well. They chatted about the usual stuff: family, friends, school, dreams, you name it. Zuko learned a few things about them and now he could make an opinion about them.

Azula, who sat with them and listened to the conversation, laughed a bit at her older brother's attempts to make friends. He wasn't too bad at it. She then frowned as she remembered something.

"Hey, do you know why Mai always coughs?"

Zuko looked at her with confusion, "Why, does she cough a lot?"

Azula nods, "Sometimes she coughs so much she can't talk for a while. She also gets really pale after she coughs. That's why I asked if you knew."

"Since when does it occur? You should probably talk to a doctor, Mai."

"Since we first visited Azula and you in the palace, I think." Ty Lee answers.

Zuko hums in acknowledgment.

_____

It really wasn't unusual for Azula to entangle him in those stupid games of hers, but it never resulted in blood. Specifically, in one of his sister's friends coughing into her palm and leaving it stained with her blood. He's going to get in trouble. He should've seen it coming, he should've known this time it'd end poorly. Azula's never this eager to play with him.

"...Azula!"

Zuko could hear his little sister's laugh not far from him, so he glanced to the side. He caught the sight of Mai but didn't really pay her much thought. What grabbed his attention was Azula laughing at Ty Lee's unsuccessful landing after a cartwheel. He wondered, did Ty Lee really lose her balance and fall, or did Azula push her? The latter was more likely, Zuko knew how talented at gymnastics she was.

"Mom, can you make Zuko play with us?" Little Azula smiled up at their mother as soon as she finished jogging in their direction. "We need equal teams to play a game."

"I'm not cartwheeling," Her brother exclaimed in a harsher tone than necessary.

"You won't have to," The girl folded her arms on her chest. "Cartwheeling's not a game, dum-dum."

"I don't care. I don't wanna play with you."

"We are brother and sister, it's important for us to spend time together! Don't you think so, mom?" Azula looked up at Ursa with those big, innocent eyes of hers.

The corner of the woman's lip twitched up a bit, "Yes, darling. I think it's a good idea to play with your sister. Go on now, just for a little while."

Zuko felt her pat his head and then she was gone. He had no choice but to join Azula and her friends.

The rules of the game that Azula came up with seemed really stupid, maybe a bit boring, but Zuko was in no position to say that out loud. Azula set the apple on top of Mai's head and ran back to where the rest of the group was standing. He looked at Ty Lee. She seemed particularly eager and excited, her gray eyes tracing Azula's every move.

The apple was aflame in seconds. He didn't think his little sister's fun activity would include endangering someone. Not wanting Mai's hair to set on fire, he quickly jogged over to the girl and accidentally landed them both in the fountain that was behind Mai's back.

Zuko heard giggles behind him and hastily turned his head in the other two's direction.

"See? I told you it would work."

"They're so cute together!"

His eyes widened and soon he was on his feet, "Azula! What was that? You could've seriously hurt Mai," Zuko glanced at the mentioned girl. "The same goes for when you pushed Ty Lee earlier." Said girl was looking down, "You can't treat your friends like that!"

"How would you know? You don't have any friends of your own."

"Don't be so mean to him, Azula." Ty Lee said, but seemingly it wasn't loud enough for Azula to hear. Zuko decided that if she can ignore her best friend, he can ignore her. Instead of getting angry at his sister's remark, he stretched out his arm to Mai who took his palm into her own rather hesitantly. He pulled her up and smiled softly as his mother would if she was the one helping someone out of a fountain.

"Thanks."

"By the way, I think Mai's my friend, Azula," Zuko said calmly with his back still facing his sister. "What do you think, Mai?"

Mai blushed, which was very visible on her pale skin, "Yeah, su-" Cough. "-re."

Mai began to cough rather violently and when she stopped, she looked down at her hand. Zuko could faintly see some red on her slim fingers. He could also see flower petals.

"Are you sick again, Mai?" Ty Lee asked.

The girl in question nodded, "I should go home."

She was about to walk away when Zuko blocked her path. He had to think for a moment what he would say. What wouldn't make her uncomfortable? What would make him satisfied?

"First, tell me what's happening to you," he commands gently. She looks at him, unsure. "I'm asking you as your friend."

"I don't think I can tell you." Her voice is hoarse. Her eyes look sad, even though they're telling a different story. "I don't think anyone can. I'm not sure why it's happening and how to stop it."

"I promise you that I will find out, Mai. I promise."

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, not knowing what would come next. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes, though those sad were mixed with the confused.

"You promise?"

"I promise."

She ran away from him and he didn't stop her.

Later that day, Zuko asked both his mother and his uncle. One of them was bound to know.

"You know anything about this disease, uncle?"

"I can't be sure, nephew," Iroh started. "But I've read stories about an illness that allows flowers to bloom in your lungs. It's called hanahaki."

Zuko just nodded. He would continue researching it in the libraries and alert Mai. For now, he just had to make sure she was fine.

_____

Zuko gulped and looked Mai up and down. They were at some kid's party in order to relax before their stay on Ember Island came to an end.

"You look ravishing tonight," he exclaimed, both of his hands resting on the balcony railing.

The corner of Mai's mouth quirked up a little and Zuko knew it was the closest to a smile he would get tonight. "Whoa, Zuko, are you sick or something? You never notice when I dress up for you."

_That's because I never had to force myself to compliment you_ is left unsaid as Zuko smiles back at her.

Mai leaned in closer to him. "So what did you want to do?" she asked.

"We can stargaze or go back inside and dance... Or a little bit of both if you'd prefer."

"Both of those things are strangely romance focused," Mai points out. "Stargazing is another romantic dream of every teenage girl and so is slow-dancing with her boyfriend."

"We wouldn't be slow-dancing at a party," Zuko said and then chuckled nervously. "But is the romance thing an issue?"

Mai thought about it for a moment. "No, not really. But I was wondering if you had something else in mind."

"How about we... Make out?" Zuko blurted out.

Mai froze for a moment.

"What?" She asked.

"I said how about we make out," Zuko repeated. "You know. Kiss. You and me. Touch. Our hands exploring each other's bodies. Often a lot of spit involved."

Mai stared at Zuko for a moment and then burst out laughing.

"Nice, Zuko," she said. "Very... How should I put this... Realistic."

"It is realistic. It's how most couples act towards each other when they're in love."

_And that's precisely why we need to do it_ , Zuko thought. He was sure that if they didn't and he didn't suddenly feel a wave of something more than friendly love towards the girl course through his body, she would start coughing and would be coughing and never stop coughing until the day she died.

But that's just Zuko being dramatic, am I right?

Of course I am, I'm always right.

Except an hour later or so, as soon as Mai and Zuko left the house after a not so intense round of dancing and growling at everyone that came up to them, Mai started to aggressively clear her throat and it took her seconds to begin to cough out almost whole flowers. Mai looked up at Zuko. In her eyes there was confusion and hurt.

"I… I thought they were gone," she said quietly. "I thought you finally reciprocated."

_____

After Mai's uncle reminded him about how he broke her heart yet again, Zuko felt awful. Having to leave Mai there, at Boiling Rock, made him feel even worse. His sister would probably kill both her and Ty Lee and it would be mostly, if not completely, his fault.

He felt guilty because even though he kept failing at loving Mai back, she proved how much she cared about him time after time.

He looked up at the clear sky. He knew if he was a weather bender or something like that, there would be a thunderstorm right now. With a lot of lightning.

Him, Sokka, Suki, Hakoda and Chit Sang were using Azula's ship to get away.

"Well damn, we sure are lucky," Zuko heard Sokka say. "If Zuko's girlfriend didn't help us out, we'd be done for."

"So that emo chick is your girlfriend, huh?"

"She's not my girlfriend!" he scowled and then lowered the volume of his voice. "Well, okay, maybe she is, but… not really, you know?"

Everyone nodded to themselves even though they absolutely didn't know. Sokka was the only one who seemed to be interested in an elaboration.

Seeing the Water Tribe boy sit by his side, Zuko sighed. "I'm not good for her, is all."

"How?" Sokka tilted his head to the side. "I mean, did you really do something that awful to her?"

"She just deserves someone better."

"I know the feeling." Sokka didn't look at all surprised. "Tell me something more about her."

Staring out at the open waters, Zuko felt a little calmer. He decided he could trust Sokka with this. They were fighting a war together, surely a talk about his fairly unimpressive love life couldn't be so bad.

"So… Um… Her name is Mai and we met through Azula as children," he started. "Our relationship could improve only with Azula around and so her pranks would often ruin everything," a smile tugged at Zuko's lips, he missed the days when his little sister didn't want to kill him. "I once even saved Mai from Azula's fire."

Sokka seemed rather surprised (who would shoot fire at their friend?) but he nodded for Zuko to continue.

"We obviously drifted apart when I was banished, but when I came back, Mai was there, waiting for me."

_She always is_ , Zuko thought. After a moment in silence, he turned his head to Sokka and asked, "Have you heard of hanahaki?"

"Are you trying to tell me Mai doesn't love you back?"

Sighing, the teen put his face in his hands. "She's the one with hanahaki."

Sokka's eyes bulged. "No way! That means she's in love with someone else who doesn't love her back and just keeps dating you! That's cr–"

"Untrue, that's what it is," Zuko said more loudly than needed. "When I said she deserved someone better, I meant she deserved someone that could love her back, too. And now I feel guilty that no matter how amazing and beautiful she is, I just can't love her back."

"Oh. Well, that's… I dunno."

They fell into an awkward silence. The rest of the group, overhearing, raised an eyebrow.

"What were you about to say?" Zuko asked.

"That's rough, buddy?" Sokka suggested. "Would that be fitting?"

"Yeah, I think so," Zuko chuckled.

_____

"You know what? I've had enough, Zuko. I keep falling for you again and again and you've never loved me back, not once. I'm starting to think it's my destiny to die this way," Mai exclaimed and after a second she started speaking again. "But I wouldn't want it any other way. Loving you brought me the most pain but it brought me the most happiness as well, Zuko."

Zuko stared at her, speechless. It took him a few seconds before he realized what she was saying. She wasn't going to get a surgery, she didn't want to give up on him.

A few weeks ago Mai's illness got to the point where she would cough out whole, big flower heads and they both knew she didn't have much time left.

"Mai, please…" he began to plead. "I don't want you to leave me. I really, really love you, you know that?"

He wanted to make sure she understood that. He wanted to convince himself that he did, that it was the spirits that failed them. He knew if he didn't, her life would end and he wasn't ready to let her go.

"I do, but you don't care about me or trust me the way you would a lover," she sighs. "I know I shouldn't ask you that, but... is there someone else, Zuko?"

He shook his head frantically, not wanting to even think about it. It was Mai. It was always Mai.

"Is it someone you've known for a long time? That girl from Ba Sing Se? Or maybe the Water Tribe girl?"

He shook his head again. There were others, but none of them made him as happy as Mai did.

Zuko wished it was different. Maybe if he cared for Mai a little less it wouldn't hurt so much, maybe if there was someone else he could get over it, maybe if there was an explanation to why he couldn't reciprocate Mai's feelings he wouldn't stay awake late at night. Maybe if anything was different he would feel less guilty.

But it wasn't different. It just hurt more than he could have imagined.

Zuko knew that being in love with someone that can't love you back was painful, but he never knew not being able to love the other person back could hurt just as much if not more. He hated himself for causing Mai so much pain and struggle.

But what did he even expect? His whole life was an endless cycle of misunderstanding and hurt.

"Mai, you shouldn't give up on yourself just because it would mean you'd have to give up on me," Zuko said in a trembling voice.

"No, Zuko. I know I would end up falling for you again and those jasmine flowers of yours are getting on my nerves already," she joked wryly.

Zuko still didn't get how Mai fell for him in the first place.

"I'm serious," he said in a near panic. "I'm pretty sure that surgery removes your ability to fall for your former love interest again, too."

"Didn't know that."

They looked at each other, it seemed like they were communicating just with their stares. The silence was deafening.

There was no way to know what the future held. Zuko didn't want to think about it, and he certainly didn't want to talk about it.

"Zuko, I'll love you even if it kills me."

"I don't want you dying, Mai. I don't want you to leave me," he said in a near whisper, brushing away a tear that had escaped his eye.

_____

Zuko didn't like to think of himself as crazy. He definitely wasn't as far gone as Azula but seemingly feeling Mai's presence and often catching himself talking as if she was beside him was concerning to say the least. Grieving was never his strong suit but it usually didn't cause him to wake up and say good morning to Mai even though no one (or even better, one of his friends that 'want to be there for him when he needs them') is there, and other stuff like that.

Why was it so hard this time?

He wished he could find out.

Zuko needed to move on. Maybe not now, not in this second, but soon. He couldn't let Mai's death affect him so greatly.

So he thought about it some more and while some of his thoughts were inappropriate and disturbingly aggressive towards the whole world, he came to a pretty logical conclusion.

_You just can't get over the fact that it's all your fault, Zuko_ , a voice that sounded suspiciously like his own said.

"A Fire Lord doesn't just sit around moping," said another voice, this time Zuko definitely recognized it and fortunately hearing it didn't make him insane. It was just Sokka trying to cheer him up. "Or in your case, sitting around moping and occasionally panicking while acting aggressive enough to make the guards worried about their jobs."

"Why are you always like this?" Zuko asked. "Why can't you just leave me alone for once and let me wallow in my own self-pity?"

"Can't a buddy try to help his buddy out?"

"No," Zuko said angrily. "Why are you still here? Why can't you just leave me alone, I don't want your pity! I'm better than that! I'm-" Zuko stopped himself from saying something foolish, but Sokka could read his mind now apparently.

"You're what? Okay? Is that what you wanted to say? Sure, you're doing perfectly fine right now," Sokka said the last few words sarcastically. "Don't be stupid and let us help!"

"I- I said I don't want your pity!" Zuko scowled.

"I'm just trying to help someone I care about on their worst day. Is that what pity is?"

Zuko squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds and when he opened them he saw that Sokka moved closer to him, now in the chair next to him instead of near the door of his room.

"You still have yet to talk to anyone about how you feel about all this and it's been weeks," Sokka said in a softer tone. "Look, I understand that you need to be your best and strongest self in front of all the generals, ambassadors and your people, but know that you can be vulnerable and safe at the same time when you're with your friends. When you're with me."

"Safe?"

Sokka took a deep breath and exhaled.

"Yeah, safe," he said slowly. "You don't have to be fearless and strong all the time."

"But I have to lead my nation!"

"You sure do, Zuko, but you don't have to do it alone. You know that, right?"

Zuko didn't answer, he just looked down for a moment and nodded looking back up at Sokka.

"Great, so do you want that therapy session with Sokka the meat and sarcasm guy?" he asked in an encouraging way and wiggled his eyebrows.

Zuko snorted uncontrollably.

"Yeah, that sounds really good," he said. "But are you sure this meat and sarcasm guy is qualified?"

"Oh, of course I am," Sokka assured. "But remember to avoid the veggies and straight talk fella at all costs," he added, making Zuko laugh.

"Right, yeah," Zuko replied. "Let's get to the therapy bit, you crazy meat boy."

Sokka nodded, more serious now. Mourning was one of the things he could never joke about. "So, um... How are you? What emotions are you feeling?"

"I'm mad," Zuko said. "I feel like I could burn down a village and I would still be aflame inside, my whole frustration wouldn't be out yet."

"That bad, huh?" Sokka chuckled humorlessly. "Who are you angry at?"

"Most of all myself. For letting Mai die," he answered honestly. "I mean... do you think it was all my fault?"

Sokka shook his head and watched Zuko break momentarily. He hid his face in his palms and a whimper escaped him.

"Was it my fault?" Zuko asked helplessly again. He began sobbing and so many tears escaped his eyes he wasn't sure he could cry any more this evening even if he tried really hard.

"No! No, of course not!" Sokka said in a comforting voice. "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault, you two were just unlucky."

Zuko nodded but it didn't seem like he was actually acknowledging what Sokka was saying.

"There wasn't anything you could do, jerkbender. Don't even think about blaming yourself."

"If I reciprocated her feelings, if I fell for her... earlier?" Zuko bit his lip. "Earlier... _I- I love her, I love her so much now. I really do..._ Why couldn't I before? Unfair. Unfair, unfair..."  
Sokka could tell he was trying not to cry again but his voice was getting shaky.

"I know, I know... It's okay," Sokka soothed.

Zuko felt his head get heavy. And his limbs and eyelids too. "Can we get to the bed, Sokka?"

"Yeah, yeah," Sokka said, standing up and pulling Zuko up too. He took his hand and they walked to the bed where they fell onto it together. Zuko buried his face in Sokka's chest.

"Zuko..."

"Will you stay with me? Please?"

"Of course I will."

Sokka put his arm around Zuko and pulled him slightly closer.

"Thank you, Sokka," the firebender said. "For being here for me."

"Always and forever, Zuko," Sokka vowed.

They lied in silence for a while until Zuko whispered, "Let's hope that the next time I won't be too late with loving them back."

Sokka smiled down at him gently. "If you were, I'd already be coughing up petals," he said a second too late for sleeping Zuko to hear. "Good night, Zuko."

So even if Mai was gone and Zuko could see how much darker and colder the world was without her by his side, he could also see that if anyone was to make him feel safe and needed and wanted again, it would be Sokka.


End file.
